if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
