when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
