you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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