im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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