either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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