hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
