Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
