please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
