I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
