The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
