do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
