I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
