My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
