I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
