the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
