I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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