Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
