She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
