I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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