I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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