My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
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