you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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