friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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