I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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