The maid of honor just puked.
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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