Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize
