onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
