ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
