do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
