so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
