Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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