your thong is hanging out like whoa
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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