final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
love makes seman taste better
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
