two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
