i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
