his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize