Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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