Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
