Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm sobbing to NWA
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
