Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
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