Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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