whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
