Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
