all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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