his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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