I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
