so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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