Plan B is the new Plan A
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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