My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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