I feel like abortions should bother me more
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
