She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize