Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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