I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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