I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
