I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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