The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
