Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
