my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
