Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Is it because I queefed?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
