Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
