yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
