I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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