i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
