its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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